I feel it is important to share with other fat triathletes some of the things I have come across in order to help them along a healthier path. In an attempt to make the transition into the sport easier I have compiled a list of things I have learned.

1. If you pick food off others plate, teach your family the Texas two fork method. One fork to eat with, the other to stab with.

2. Tae Bo can be painful when done on slick floors.

3. Telling your bike mechanic you bent a rim while cliff diving will not score you any points.

4. It has yet to be proven that sleepwalking through your 5 AM aerobics class is any less effective than doing it awake.

5. Salads are always better with some type of seared animal flesh on top.

6. Eat slowly. You’ll need to save your energy for desert.

7. A hole has no substance, therefore, donut holes have no calories.

8. Smashing into a tree on your mountain bike burns more calories because you have to carry the pieces back.

9. Falling asleep while swimming early morning laps can be dangerous.

10. If you hang out with fat people you will look thinner.

11. Fatguy + biking spandex + rural Texas convenience store… there’s going to be trouble.

12. Liquid diets help you lose weight by making you run faster.

13. Buffet addictions can be overcome.

14. Most people can not spell triathalete,triathilete, triathelete, triathlete.

15. Fat triathletes are on wind chill factor time. It may be 9:00 am when he shows up at the gym but it feels like 6:00 am.

16. TV remote curls do not count as a bicep workout. (Neither do beer curls)

17. It is considered bad form to trip recreational walkers during a 5k fun run.

18. Trying to out swim the ferryboat may not be legal in all states.

19. Learn to change bike tubes or plan to do lots of unscheduled bricks.

20. Do not practice transition shoe tying in restaurants.