I knew there was going to be trouble the moment I walked through the door and smelled that new bike smell. There were bikes on the floor, on the walls, on the ceilings, in the bathroom and even in glass enclosure. I got a bad case of the shakes until I saw a few prices and that sobered me up. It didn’t last long though because the upgrade section was overflowing with gotta haves. The salesman came scurrying over, sized up my bike and with a smile began his pitch.

“Nice bike you have there,” he commented innocently enough.

“Thanks,” I brimmed with pride over my lunker.

“Did you break your catseye off?” he asked.

I stood silently for a second trying to figure out if he was talking about night vision, “ What’s a catseye?”

“Oh,” he grinned like I’d just taken the bait, “it’s a compact computer that fits on your bike that tells speed, time, distance it even has split time capability.” He continued on about how this was the best thing ever invented and how it would help me improve my times. After a fifteen-minute pitch I was ready to get two, one for the bike and one for my stationary trainer.

“So,” he grinned again, “are you ready to try on some shoes?”

“No, no,” I replied. I was catching on to this sales thing.

“Oh, I understand,” he said softly, “It’s just that when you buy the computer you get a discount on shoes.”

“Discount,” I mused, “What kind of discount?” The salesman grinned once more.

I never realized how much I could have improved my bike times until I came into the bike shop. Who knew that those tie-dye jerseys reduced drag to the point that I would be practically invisible to wind? If I had been wearing the new antidrag designed helmet I would have been totally invisible! I never even contemplated aerobars on a mountain bike but now I saw the error of my ways. How could I have missed something so obvious? The camelback water system was very impressive too. All those times I could have fallen while trying to get a drink could have caused serious injury. “Safety,” Joe the salesman said solemnly, “is our primary concern.”

Two hours later I was on my way back home cheerfully contemplating my next biking experience as Joe put it. When I arrived, I took all my goodies into the living room and spread them out on the floor. My wife walked in and stopped short at the display.

“What have you done?” she exclaimed.

“I just picked up a few things for the bike,” I replied. I was a bit surprised by her response.

“What is all this stuff for?” she wanted to know.

I began giving her the rundown on everything, repeating a lot of Joe’s lines that got me so worked up. Somehow it just wasn’t the same. I could tell by the way she rolled her eyes that I was getting nowhere so I pulled out all the stops, “I bought most of it because it’s safety related.”

“How much did all this cost?” she still had her hands on her hips. This was definitely a bad sign.

“Well…” I stammered and skirted the answer until I finally broke down and told her.

She turned bright red and I swear I saw smoke coming out of her ears. After a few terrifying minutes she said, “I doubt there is anything else you could possibly buy for this thing. As long as you got the leak fixed and it won’t be dripping on the floor anymore I guess it’s ok.”

I almost fainted right there as I realized I had totally forgotten to put the bike in for repairs, “Um honey, they were, um…really busy, so I might have to take it back next week.” She shot me an icy look and I cringed, “Maybe I can just get by the way it is for a while. It’s not that bad and I can wrap a rag around it to keep it from leaking.”

She walked away without saying a word and I quickly piled all my stuff back into the bag. I guess I’ll have to figure out a way to get that other new thingamajig from Joe without her knowing about it.